Saturday, 21 February 2015

Almost 2 years on

An update for you all,

I figured it was time I wrote something on here to close this chapter of my life if you like and update you all on my progress.

Today Odin would have celebrated his 53rd birthday...Happy birthday love I miss you so very much each and every day.

In a month's time it will be 2 years since I lost him.

What happened to Winterwolf? Well for a while she was lost, I was lost. Prior to Odin passing away however I had been hiding in SL with my SL family on an alt. Be it wrong or right I needed to hide in the shadows I was grieving and I needed to be with those who knew me best without all the sad reminders.

With the help of my SL Sister Cara and her Master Jaxx, and a long night of tears and frustration, Milae Lionheart was created, she had been around for a couple of weeks at this stage but really had no name till that night.

Lionheart because after all I am the sister of Cara Lionheart (now of course Doulton) and Milae was a name we chose together that means 'the future' and really she was my future because amongst all the dark days I would emerge the other side a butterfly from the sadness.

Milae became my life and after Odin passed away (by the way as I write this I find it hard not to call him my Owner like I used to) she became the only thing I could log into. Having Winterwolf on was to painful.

I decided to try something new and started DJ'ing in SL which I really do enjoy very much and it was a way of locking the past away by doing something that had no connection. I do wonder what Odin might of made of my DJ sets.

Four months after loosing Odin I embarked on a friendship with a fellow DJ at a club I worked at after he saved me from a set that really was the set from hell. He was my knight in shinning armour as they say. Just over a month later Mackenzie Abbot and myself started a Real Life relationship and also our SL characters became a couple to.

For a while I was worried it was wrong or too soon and I told him all about Odin. We talked about him a lot and still even now Mac wishes he could have known Odin. I really do think they would have got on like a house on fire. A couple of months after we got together Milae became Mrs Milae Abbot and in real life we met as a couple for the first time (oh I should add at this point my real life was also looking up after the birth of my nephew)

Just over a year after Odin's death we moved in together in Real Life and honestly I have never been happier. Of course Odin and Mac are both very different people and I try never to judge one by the other. Although sometimes when situations arise I do wonder if they would have both handled it in the same way. I guess it's only natural.

I do of course think of Odin a lot. Not a day goes past even now when he doesn't pop into my head. His picture is on the Ipod he brought me and everyday when I switch it on I see him. It keeps him with me no matter what.

However at the same time my life has moved on, it's changed, it's evolved and I know that Odin is watching over me. In the early days after he passed he visited me in my dreams and I heard his voice in my head a lot, now though I have less of that but when I see a Rainbow, or smell his aftershave, when his words pop into my head when I need help or when I give advice about something and a sentence he would say falls out of my mouth I take comfort.

Certain songs will make me cry happy tears take today for instance, just after Midnight as I put on my Facebook page a message to Odin to wish him Happy Birthday, Mac was doing a DJ set in SL, I of course was listening even though we were in the same room and Mac announced the next few songs he was playing. One song he mentioned was Hootie and the Blowfish 'Only wanna be with you' and I was gob-smacked. If you have read my blog your know that the first time I was introduced to this song was via Odin and it was one of his favourites. I quickly logged onto my blog and asked Mac what made him decide to play it and he shrugged saying it was for some reason in his playlist. I had never told him about this song so instead I showed him the blog entry and reminded him that today is Odin's Birthday and we both sat there for a moment in silence. Oh yeah we are pretty sure that was Odin's doing and yes I cried as it played but it was tears of happiness and memories. This isn't the first time that Odin has done something like this so we really shouldn't be surprised. I am pretty sure it's that special connection that I had with him in this life that has past to the next.

I am also sure that Odin brought me and Mac together. Little things that happened just have a tinge of Odin about them and for that reason I know he knows I am safe with Mac and has allowed him to pull back and just watch over me as my guardian without needing to be there 24/7

I know he only ever wanted me happy and I am sure he can see that I am. Even Mac has told him that my happiness is his top priority and that I am safe with him that he will look after me. I know if I ever need Odin all I have to do is talk to him. His bright star will always be there to guide me.

I will never stop missing him but this chapter of my life is now closed. Odin brought out the best in me he found the submissive and guided me in his hands I grew and now in Mac's hands I emerge as a stronger butterfly my foundations now have walls.

I will forever love 2 men, Odin and Mac but both in different ways. As for Winterwolf she is not gone or forgotten she makes appearances now and then and she along with Milae has a Photography company to run.

So there we have it in 2 years I have come full circle and moved on with my life, feel free if you knew Selina Winterwolf/Farshore to give Milae Abbot a shout any time you like, I will always have a pot of tea and an ear.

Next month will be hard on March 20th (or 21st in the UK because of the time difference) as I mark the 2nd year of his passing but with Mac by my side I will be strong enough.

So for the final time on this blog, I think Milae will now have her own.

I love and miss you my Owner
love your submissive owned

Now forever and always
Ciao Bello love your Bella x

signed his submissive owned and Mac's Babygirl

Saturday, 27 April 2013

Sadness and Grief

With respect to my Owner,

Those words mean more than anyone could ever know or understand.

I have avoided writing this post because its the end of a chapter...and brings me such deep horrible pain.

Last year was hard to write my blog because behind the scenes in RL my Owner and I were dealing with such incredible pain and bad news.

Let me take you back in November 2011 when my Owner came to England he wasn't feeling his best on his return I begged him to go to the doctors and finally from January 2012 to April 2012 they ran tests. Finally we learnt the truth that my Owner had Pancreatic Cancer.

The night he told me I sobbed but we were sure it was early stages and he could beat it. We learnt a week later that it was far more aggressive than we had thought. He put every effort into fighting it and I did my best to support him and hold him up on bad days but with the distance between us it was hard.

Chemo was the order of the day and he took each round feeling sick and tired and beat. His Hair fell out so he had it shaved but his sense of humor never left him. He fought with every strength of his body and to start with the treatment appeared to be working. I took comfort in the fact that I would one day be in his arms again he was going to beat this.

That was until Christmas and then around Christmas time that round of Chemo knocked him for six. From there on he went down hill fast, he saw his beloved Ravens win the Championship and he went on to reach his 51st Birthday.

A month later (all but a day) March 20th 2013 at 2052 he took his last breath surround by family and passed away.

I can't describe the pain, the tears, the numbness, the shear terror that passed through me when I was told by his Sister he had gone. Her and I had formed a bond over the weeks running up to his death and she did her best to keep me informed and I truly appreciate all that she did.

Everyday since has been hard. I am locked in grief that I can't get away from and although I try hard to smile and carry on with life there are sad moments when it all catches up with me.

Of course life goes on, I know it everyone knows it but a part of me will always be with him and never truly move on.

Yesterday April 26th 2013 my Owner was buried with full military honors and although I couldn't be there in person his Sister and I were in contact and the whole family were in my thoughts. I too said my goodbyes and lit a candle for him in SL....a flame that will never go out, a way to always remember him. When I am sad I can go to the candle and remember him and I know he is with me I feel his presence and smell his aftershave often, I have since the day he passed.

I miss him so very this final paragraph is my message to him before I attach a picture of the candle and sign off....I will be holding a memorial in SL for all who wish to attend in the near future and will place the details here. I held back as I was not strong enough to deal with that before now.

To my American Husband, my Owner and Man,

You came into my life by chance and were cruely snatched away from it too early.
All the plans we had wiped away in an instant.
I miss your voice and our calls in the car each night, your laughter and the way you could calm me with just a couple of words. I miss your growls in my ears and your smile, not to mention holding your hands and feeling your lips on mine.
I wish I could have been at you side in your final weeks and moments but I know you knew I was there, I know you knew how much I loved you and the special connection we shared together in this life has carried on into the next.
You are now my guardian angel and I carry you in my heart wherever I go. When I can't cope with things I hear your voice in my head and I know what I have to do so even in the after life you are guiding me.
I hope that from wherever you are watching me that I will continue to make you proud.
You are the most amazing man I have ever met and without you I would not be who I am today. You picked me up and helped me to grow and find my path. At your side is where I believed I would always be but there were other plans for you.
You always told me that you believed your purpose in life was to meet me and have what we had. in 3.5 years we made a lifetime of memories.
Everyone said we had the fairytale romance but we didn't get our happy ever after ending.
I am not sure where I go from here....I know right now that the path will be long and hard...I search for your shining star each night before I go to bed....and each morning when I awake the pain hits me only comfort is that one day your keep your promise and have me in your arms when I reach the gates of heaven and find you waiting there for me.
All the tributes to you that I have read have made me smile and take comfort you were loved by so many in so many places and everyone of them have lost a dear friend or loved one depending on who they were.
I will always be your English wife, your submissive owned no matter what I do in life and I know that if I make a mistake your either step in or guide me.
There is a big painful void in my heart right now that I can not ignore.They say time heals the pain. I think someone else has told me it just dulls it not heals it.
Anyway as always I will search for your star and talk to you when I head to bed...but then you know that already.

I love you...I miss you....I wish you weren't gone but I am glad your at peace and no longer in pain.

Till we meet again....I am sending you all my love every day....just stay with me always

Oh and as we always signed our emails...Ciao Bello love your Bella x

RIP Marine...and as you once told me...Samper Fi, Cheers

signed his submissive owned

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Out with the Old and in with the New...

With respect to my Owner,

Happy New Year to everyone we love and know. My Owner and I would like to wish you all the best for the new year. We have no idea what the next 12 months will bring one does.

New Year Resolutions...Does anyone do these anymore? Well after thinking all day..Do I? Don't I? I decided to set some..

1) To be the best Sub I can be - being supportive and loving to my Owner (goes without saying really)
2) To look after myself in every possible way (that includes loosing some excess weight)
3) To really put some effort into my Photography Studio and my Baby Clinic
4) To blog more often again
5) To enjoy Role Play (especially now Glint is back)
6) To be me - the woman my Owner uncovered

Above all I want to be in my Owners arms at some point this year making up for all the time that we haven't been together

signed his submissive owned

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Christmas is coming...

With respect to my Owner,

So tonight I wished my Owner Merry Christmas as he prepares to join family for Christmas and New Year, the break will be good for him and I bravely kept my tears back as I said goodnight.

I am a very soppy person and my Owner would never expect anything less of me, over the past 3 years he has got used to my little ways...I dare say the tears will flow as my head hits the pillow tonight not because I don't want him to have a good time but because I just want to be with him and around him especially at such a magical time of the year but once tonight is over I will have adjusted to him being missing and once he notifies me he is at his destination I will relax. I too am going away but not for a few more days.

It's not like I wont hear from him of course I will and probably more often than I do every day...its moments apart like this that bring you closer and tighter together and before we know it the New Year celebrations will be over and he will be back at home and our normal daily routine will commence we will both have stories to share and bond over.

So to my Owner....I love you...stay safe for me...can't wait to speak to you and hear from you over the holidays and will miss you like crazy...but more than that...Merry Christmas...enjoy every second of it

signed his submissive owned

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

A difficult journey...

With respect to my Owner,

It's been a while since I have posted here...I won't lie that the last few months have been hard....RL has turned our lives upside down we have had to deal with some hurdles that no-one should ever have to deal with.

I won't explain the reason for the hurdles that's something that my Owner and I share with only the closest of friends but to each one of them (and by god you know who you are) I think I can speak for both of us when I say...Thank all make each day that little easier...your smiles your hugs you encouragement...its what keeps us going...especially me.

What I have learnt over the last few months is that sometimes nothing can prepare you for the range of emotions us Humans suffer from...sometimes the sheer intensity can not only knock you sideways but take you to hell and back in a single heartbeat!

So right now I am in a reflective mood and looking back on the past few months and as the new year approaches I have chance to look forward knows what the future knows what lessons we may learn but one thing I do know...

My love for my Owner is stronger than ever, in each other we grow in strength and support one another and with the love of those who surround us we can and will defeat anything and everything thrown at us

signed his submissive owned

Sunday, 9 September 2012

When pictures say more than words...

With respect to my Owner,

There are no words to add to this except quite simply...Thank you...and...I love you

signed his submissive owned

Saturday, 18 August 2012

For my Owner...

With respect to my Owner,

This says it all...

"I Won't Give Up"

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well, there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

signed his submissive owned