Saturday, 27 April 2013

Sadness and Grief

With respect to my Owner,

Those words mean more than anyone could ever know or understand.

I have avoided writing this post because its the end of a chapter...and brings me such deep horrible pain.

Last year was hard to write my blog because behind the scenes in RL my Owner and I were dealing with such incredible pain and bad news.

Let me take you back in November 2011 when my Owner came to England he wasn't feeling his best on his return I begged him to go to the doctors and finally from January 2012 to April 2012 they ran tests. Finally we learnt the truth that my Owner had Pancreatic Cancer.

The night he told me I sobbed but we were sure it was early stages and he could beat it. We learnt a week later that it was far more aggressive than we had thought. He put every effort into fighting it and I did my best to support him and hold him up on bad days but with the distance between us it was hard.

Chemo was the order of the day and he took each round feeling sick and tired and beat. His Hair fell out so he had it shaved but his sense of humor never left him. He fought with every strength of his body and to start with the treatment appeared to be working. I took comfort in the fact that I would one day be in his arms again he was going to beat this.

That was until Christmas and then around Christmas time that round of Chemo knocked him for six. From there on he went down hill fast, he saw his beloved Ravens win the Championship and he went on to reach his 51st Birthday.

A month later (all but a day) March 20th 2013 at 2052 he took his last breath surround by family and passed away.

I can't describe the pain, the tears, the numbness, the shear terror that passed through me when I was told by his Sister he had gone. Her and I had formed a bond over the weeks running up to his death and she did her best to keep me informed and I truly appreciate all that she did.

Everyday since has been hard. I am locked in grief that I can't get away from and although I try hard to smile and carry on with life there are sad moments when it all catches up with me.

Of course life goes on, I know it everyone knows it but a part of me will always be with him and never truly move on.

Yesterday April 26th 2013 my Owner was buried with full military honors and although I couldn't be there in person his Sister and I were in contact and the whole family were in my thoughts. I too said my goodbyes and lit a candle for him in SL....a flame that will never go out, a way to always remember him. When I am sad I can go to the candle and remember him and I know he is with me I feel his presence and smell his aftershave often, I have since the day he passed.

I miss him so very this final paragraph is my message to him before I attach a picture of the candle and sign off....I will be holding a memorial in SL for all who wish to attend in the near future and will place the details here. I held back as I was not strong enough to deal with that before now.

To my American Husband, my Owner and Man,

You came into my life by chance and were cruely snatched away from it too early.
All the plans we had wiped away in an instant.
I miss your voice and our calls in the car each night, your laughter and the way you could calm me with just a couple of words. I miss your growls in my ears and your smile, not to mention holding your hands and feeling your lips on mine.
I wish I could have been at you side in your final weeks and moments but I know you knew I was there, I know you knew how much I loved you and the special connection we shared together in this life has carried on into the next.
You are now my guardian angel and I carry you in my heart wherever I go. When I can't cope with things I hear your voice in my head and I know what I have to do so even in the after life you are guiding me.
I hope that from wherever you are watching me that I will continue to make you proud.
You are the most amazing man I have ever met and without you I would not be who I am today. You picked me up and helped me to grow and find my path. At your side is where I believed I would always be but there were other plans for you.
You always told me that you believed your purpose in life was to meet me and have what we had. in 3.5 years we made a lifetime of memories.
Everyone said we had the fairytale romance but we didn't get our happy ever after ending.
I am not sure where I go from here....I know right now that the path will be long and hard...I search for your shining star each night before I go to bed....and each morning when I awake the pain hits me only comfort is that one day your keep your promise and have me in your arms when I reach the gates of heaven and find you waiting there for me.
All the tributes to you that I have read have made me smile and take comfort you were loved by so many in so many places and everyone of them have lost a dear friend or loved one depending on who they were.
I will always be your English wife, your submissive owned no matter what I do in life and I know that if I make a mistake your either step in or guide me.
There is a big painful void in my heart right now that I can not ignore.They say time heals the pain. I think someone else has told me it just dulls it not heals it.
Anyway as always I will search for your star and talk to you when I head to bed...but then you know that already.

I love you...I miss you....I wish you weren't gone but I am glad your at peace and no longer in pain.

Till we meet again....I am sending you all my love every day....just stay with me always

Oh and as we always signed our emails...Ciao Bello love your Bella x

RIP Marine...and as you once told me...Samper Fi, Cheers

signed his submissive owned


  1. Selina, you are in my prayers, my thoughts and my heart. My deepest, deepest condolences on your loss. He is always, always with you, and will be forever more. Until the two of you are reunited, I am here for you.
    All the best,
    Master Marvin and His Lacey

  2. so sorry to hear this, Selina... be strong and be well! xxx

  3. Such brave words, Sel and I know how hard writing this must have been for you. I've had the pleasure of knowing Greg... arguing politics with him mostly but even so, there was never any bitterness, he was always the bigger person and would somehow force me to like him again :)
    Despite all of this dreadful news, I know that with the support of both your friend and families you'll pull through this and we can sit down and think back on the wonderful person Greg was, with tears and laughter and relive the 'Do you remember when..' moments.
    I won't mention the bath :)
    Lots of love, hugs and kisses to you, there's always a bed and a cold bottle of vino in my house, if you fancy taking a RyanAir to Cork.
    RIP Greg... May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.