Easter Monday...

With respect to my Owner,

To explain how I feel is not easy...there are many things that have lead to this moment...many thoughts and feelings which rightly or wrongly I bottled up...OK so I have come to realize that I am...shock horror...Human.

This all started to come to a head in February...let me see if I can piece this together...my Owner started to feel ill in December...I remember at the time that we both assumed he would get better and instead he got worse...Christmas and New Year passed by rather quietly but we were content in each others company and that is all that mattered.

The New year started and secretly I was worried about my Owner but I knew that me fussing would not help and trusted that he would seek help if and when he needed it...come the end of January he did just that and relief swept through me...medication seemed to be helping...he was getting better and then he went the other way again...by now he was in incredible pain and I was beginning to realize that him being online for hours at a time was hard work because of the pain he was in and I totally understood that but it was also hard not having him around. By the time March came well it was even harder.

To explain this you have to understand something...since the day we met on Second Life there has hardly been a day gone by when we haven't been in contact in some way shape of form and apart from when either of us don't have Internet connection like away on business trips or visiting family we do tend to spend most days on line together at some point be it a couple of hours after he gets in from work or all weekend on and off. For us Second Life is the visual part of our relationship. We have a home, Family, Friends and even Work there. For me when he is not online our home can seem very lonely and quiet.

Now something I have come to learn is that any Slave or Submissive does indeed, as part of their submission, look to their dominant for every decision and now suddenly I was faced with a new dilemma...sure he had been away before or not online for days on end and I had dealt with that and learnt that it was OK in those circumstances to be in charge temporarily but when faced with prolonged absence it is a whole new ball game.

Without realizing it (or maybe subconsciously I did realize it) I had withdrawn myself into my shell, staying at the house more...I was busy of course I had the twins to look after, then there was the clinic, a new photo project and many other small jobs. But at the same time I wasn't interacting as much as I would have done before with others. This all coincided with RL work being a bit strained and tense and now I was torn. SL was my life with my Owner the life that one day in the not to distant future we will have as our RL but with my Owner ill and my thoughts turning to him I was struggling. Not in a bad way it just meant that I needed to find myself. I needed to get my thoughts in order and make my Owner proud.

Of course during this time I experienced moments when I have begun to question myself.
Had I let him down?
Was I to much when he is so ill?
Should I give him more space?

Yes you may laugh and fail to understand how I could be thinking such thoughts and I know my Owner if he was here would hold me right now and tell me in no uncertain terms that I was being silly and that I should have told him...but how do I admit to him that I was at a loss and I was weak in his absence? I am not a weak person not by any stretch of the imagination but one thing that does get to me is when the man I love is in such pain and I can't do anything to help. When there are long pauses or no communication it can be hard, when he is not able to join me online and come for a hug it gets to me not all the time just sometimes and if other things like work are getting to me it seems to magnify the situation. His control is something I crave and when I can't get it, well to put it simply...it hurts.

My Owner tells me that nothing I could say to him would make him freak and run around with his hair on fire, which although that makes me laugh is also a comforting thing to know...so hopefully that's still the case after he reads this :P

The point I am making is that I have learnt that I do have a very vulnerable side to me...a side that I didn't really know existed but now that I do I am learning to deal with it...I think its part of the nature of a submissive to feel loss when things change...hell I think it's just a human thing fall stop and being a woman and more sensitive to that I guess it was bound to catch me out one day.

However in the last couple of weeks I have begun to get back on top of things again and am being open and honest with my Owner and shared with him a dream I had the other night which scared me half silly for no reason and is the reason why picking up my blog has become important to me. Here I can say how I feel and know that it's out in the open even if my Owner is not around. Some things I refuse to state here because it's just to personal and for that we have email and times when we can be together in one way or another.

I am a lucky woman to be the submissive owned of an amazing Owner such as Odin and I never forget that. So much so he is buying me a new RL collar because I have in essence out grown my everyday collar now. I know he loves me, I know he wants me, I know I am his and I know he would not change what we have for the world. Likewise he knows I am his, he knows that I need him and love him very much and later this year we will be together at last and neither of us can wait for that but right now...my Owner needs to concentrate on getting better and I need to continue to do him proud.

signed his submissive owned
447-342-364